..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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