saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
