Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
