I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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