All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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