so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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