it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
