please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
