dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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