Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i drank out of a bidet.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
