I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
