i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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