i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
