naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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