How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I will be naked everywhere
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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