The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
