I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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