textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
