I'm pants shitting drunk right now
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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