we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
