Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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