So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
do nipples grow back?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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