tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
