hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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