Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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