Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
