Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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