I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize