i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
