Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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