my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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