I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
