Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need a beard to bite.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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