If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
