Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
