Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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