I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
