I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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