You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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