My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
