It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
