Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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