just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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