i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize