I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
