He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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