I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
