don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
