saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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