I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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