I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
