Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
