Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
