So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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