I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just pee around me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
