I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
