yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize