My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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