Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
