Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Operation Purity has been aborted
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
