This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
