Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
