I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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