She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i drank out of a bidet.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
