I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
